A love story

This is the story of my hospital experience one week ago when I had the baby. I don't expect everyone to read all of this as it's a long story, but I figured some family members might be interested in the whole story.

Intro
If you've been following my blog, you know it's been a difficult pregnancy pretty much all the way through. So having had a very troublesome pregnancy, I decided to go for a really great, fantastic, unicorns-jumping-over-rainbows kind of labor and delivery. Good planning, eh?

One of the things I decided would help me achieve this goal was to have a doula at my birth to assist me through labor and delivery. I read about several studies that compared women who labored alone with women who labored with a continuous female supporter. They found that the women with a female supporter had shorter labors (hours shorter!), and fewer epidurals, cesarean births, and generally fewer complications. They also found that it was important that it was continuous support - intermittent labor support was shown to be barely better than laboring alone.

I took a prenatal class and the teacher mentioned that when you check into the hospital, the nurses get you set up on monitors and then leave you and your husband alone, and they check on you every hour or so to see how you're progressing. I think it would really make me anxious to just be left there without anyone who knew what was going on, especially for my first birth. So the idea of continuous labor support really appealed to me, especially from someone who has experience and training, who could explain to Michael and me what was happening and coach me through contractions. I knew that Michael could do a great job himself, but the studies showed that labor outcomes were much better when couples were supported by a doula, even when the father in the no-doula groups had completed childbirth preparation courses. I think it helps that a doula doesn't have emotional issues to deal with like the father does, and I knew that if Michael needed a break or came to a point where he didn't know what to do, having someone else there would help him out as well.

So Michael and I found a doula, Katherine. She mainly uses hypnobirthing techniques (think of them as relaxation techniques), and her m.o. is basically helping you to have exactly the kind of birth experience you want to have. This is something that was really important to me, because I know some doulas can really push for you to birth naturally, and getting an epidural was always something that I assumed I would do. But I still wanted to feel some amount of labor, I wanted to know what contractions felt like, and I didn't want to feel like I completely missed out on the physicality of having a baby. So basically Katherine and I planned on managing labor as far as I could go, and then getting an epidural if I got to a point where I felt like I couldn't handle labor anymore. Katherine was a great choice because she was totally supportive of any way that I wanted to have this baby, she just wanted to help me have a positive experience.

Labor starts
I woke up at 11:30am on Monday morning with my abdomen hurting. I got in a bath and noticed that I had a big cramp that lasted a moment and then went away, and then I had another one. I called Katherine and she had me time a few contractions which were about 4 to 6 minutes apart. After asking me a few more questions she said, "I think you're in labor" and I responded by saying, "Get out!" We decided to have me track them for another hour, from 12:30 to 1:30, and by that time they were 3 to 5 minutes apart. When Michael saw that they were 3 minutes apart and then he, also, was like, "Wow, you're in labor." I thought it was weird that everyone kept saying that. Monday was the day that I was going to get ready for labor! I was going to go to the store and stock the fridge, and get the hospital bags all ready to go and do the laundry. It was pretty frustrating to think that I was going into labor when I felt really unready, but I decided to let it go.

Katherine got to our house at 2:30 and sat next to me in the bathroom (I was still in the tub - covered in a towel if that makes you uncomfortable) and chatted pleasantly with me and helped me focus and relax when I had contractions. It was funny because Katherine was helping me relax through each one, we were "oooh"ing and listening to quiet music, and out in the hallway Michael was running back and forth frantically trying to put together everything on my list for the hospital bag. Surprisingly, the time really flew. Katherine got there at 2:30 and what felt like ten minutes later I asked what time it was, and she said 3:44. I labored in the tub until about 4:30, when my contractions were about 2-3 minutes apart and pretty consistent. I still felt like they were manageable, I was very calm and very focused. The drive to the hospital from my house is only about 10 minutes, and I had 3 contractions in the car, which were harder but I stayed focused and we made it okay.

The hospital
As I was walking into the hospital, I had to stop every minute or so to stand and wait for a contraction to be over, so I feel like once I stood up and started moving, they got a little closer together. But still I was managing them and relaxing through each one. They got us into a room right away, and it was a corner room of the hospital and we had wrap-around views of the mountains as the sun was setting. Score! They had me fill out some paperwork for the baby, and there was a spot that said, "Relationship to patient" and I got to write "Mother" - SO TRIPPY! It was really exciting. Then they checked how far I was dilated - I was at a 4 1/2 (and 100% effaced). We were planning on me getting back into a bathtub at the hospital, but it seems like once I laid down in that bed that my contractions decided that it was time to get down to business. They were starting to get really intense, and the nurse who was trying to ask me the admitting questions could only get in a question or two before another contraction started and I had to stop talking completely and breathe and focus and relax. I dealt with these more-intense contractions for a little while before we decided to go ahead and ask for the epidural. The nurse said I needed to be monitored a little longer before they could get the anesthesiologist in to do the epidural.

He got there at about 6:00 after I had been doing the big contractions for about an hour. Getting the epidural was difficult - it's hard to sit up, bent over, through a big contraction, but I was really proud of myself for getting through it, and I had Michael and Katherine there to help. One thing that really surprised me was that I could still feel and move my legs after the epidural, and I could feel people touching them. I guess you can hit the epidural button to release more of the painkiller and you can go numb, so I avoided touching it because I wanted to feel as much as possible and be able to move my legs.

Post-epidural
I had a little nausea and threw up shortly after the epidural. I have a theory that it was the placenta having one last go at making me throw up before the pregnancy was all over. Even though I had the epidural, we kept going with the relaxation techniques and focus and preparation for the delivery. After the epidural they checked me again and I was at a 7 1/2, and the doctor came in and broke my water (which was apparently on the verge of collapse, but they just helped it along).


Katherine had some lotion and massaged my feet and legs, and back and hips, it was all wonderful.


Around 7:30 I called my sister to say he had broken my water. I discovered that she was with my mom, where they were both waiting by the phone for word from me. (Michael and Katherine took the camera at that point and started having fun taking pictures of me while I was trying to talk on the phone). My mom asked if I wanted them to come to the hospital. I really wasn't sure that I wanted anyone there besides Michael and Katherine, but I figured it couldn't hurt to have them come distract me for a short while.


When they got there everyone was so nice and supportive, and sometimes I had three people rubbing my back and legs and arms and hips at the same time, and sometimes they would all trade off and one person would do it while the other people rested and then they'd switch. (Remember what I said about unicorns and rainbows? I wasn't kidding).


It was just all very positive and comforting, and I felt like I had this ring of support around me.


Michael gave me a quick blessing, and mentioned that any complications would be minor. That was a little alarming to me at first that there would be "complications" but I was glad for the blessing anyway.


(Look how huge I was. I'm holding a vomit bag in this photo. So maybe it wasn't all peaches and cream. Just kidding).

At 10:00pm, I was dilated to a 10, but I wasn't feeling the pressure down in my pelvis that meant I should start pushing. The nurse said that I could start pushing if I wanted, but we decided to wait and let it happen naturally and I continued relaxing and getting that baby moving down. At 11:00pm I finally started to feel some significant pressure and Katherine ran to get the nurse so we could get started pushing. This was the point where my mom and sister were ready to go home, but I had felt so supported while they were there that I didn't mind if they stayed.

I started pushing at 11:10. I felt silly at first, I felt like I was accomplishing nothing. Most of my epidural had worn off by the time I started pushing, so I could feel my contractions pretty well, but at first I just felt like I was pushing and nothing was happening. Katherine kept encouraging me that things were happening and I should keep going. After awhile I could tell I was getting close and I started to really feel a lot of pressure down in my pelvis. And then people started to freak out and tell me that they could see the head and wow - apparently she had a lot of hair.

Suddenly I REALLY felt something big going on down there, and the nurse ran out of the room to get the doctor. I was asking "Should I stop pushing? Or can I keep pushing?" Apparently I was supposed to wait. It's really hard to wait when the baby is ready to come out. I started to stress out because I really wanted to push, but Katherine got close to my face and had me focus and talked me through it. Finally the doctor got there and got all his gear on and it was time to push. I pushed through the next contraction and WHOA the baby was out, and the first thing I felt was instant relief from all the pressure, especially the pressure of her pressing on all of my insides for the past two months. Even though I had an epidural, I really felt a LOT of what was happening down there, even some pain, but obviously the edge was taken off. It was exactly what I wanted to experience.

They put the baby on my torso and I cried and laughed at the same time - she was real! I was expecting it to be unreal, surreal, but she was so real and it was wonderful. I caught a glimpse of her feet and was like, "OH! She has feet! Look at her feet!" Like I had never seen feet before. She was so cute. Michael looked absolutely happy. He told me he felt a rush of joy when she came out. (He passed on cutting the cord, by the way).

Just After
They took the baby to weigh her and they told me she was having a little trouble breathing. I guess her stomach had a lot of amniotic fluid in it, and it was pressing up against her lungs making it hard for her to breathe. They said they wanted to take her to the nursery to get her breathing a little better. I asked, "Do you mean the NICU?" And they said, no, just the nursery. This was the minor complication that Michael had mentioned in the blessing. They gave her to me briefly once more before taking her down to the nursery, and Michael went with the baby as the doctor finished up with me (Michael told me later that they really did take a lot of fluid out of her stomach, but she could breathe great after that!). She was born at 12:04, and she was 7 lbs 3 oz. I pushed for 50 mins but to me it only felt like 20 mins.


While we were waiting for the baby in the nursery, my mom and sister left, but Katherine stayed with me and we chatted about everything that had happened. After awhile I called down to the nursery and asked if they could bring her back up to me (they were going to give her a bath but brought her back for me. Hello! Let me see my baby!). They brought her back up with Michael, and I realized that Michael hadn't held her yet! By then it was almost two hours since she had been born. I couldn't believe it, I thought someone would have given her to him within the first few minutes. We got the camera and took a few photos of his first moments holding her.




After that I had a quick lesson in feeding and then they took us down to her room. They still wanted to give her a bath, so Michael went back to the nursery with her, and Katherine stayed with me again until they got back so I wouldn't have to be alone. By the time they came back it was about 3:00am. Katherine held the baby briefly and then went home.


Michael and I knew that we should have gone to sleep right then, but we had to stay up and talk about how great the birth had gone, how helpful Katherine had been, and how amazing and wonderful our baby was. We were so tired but I was glad to have that time with him, and it was our first moments alone together as a family of three.



Hospital Stay
We stayed in the hospital for two days. They asked if I wanted the baby to go to the nursery, but I said that I wanted her to stay with us the whole time. That was harder because we got less sleep, but I got to know the baby better and her little ins and outs and I learned a lot. I loved being there, I lost all track of time and was drowsy from all the painkillers and lack of sleep, and it was just this time vortex where I got to love my baby. The nurses were all really sweet and kind, and American Fork hospital lived up to its reputation for being really great. We had lots of visitors, lots of fatigue and sleepiness, and lots of wonder when we looked at the baby.

She didn't have a name for the first day because we still couldn't decide. Just before midnight on Tuesday I woke Michael up because I didn't want her to finish out her first day on earth without a name. We finally decided on one and while I was still unsure at first, I really love it.

Some thoughts
Since then I have been trying as hard as I can to soak in this first week with her. I feel almost stressed out because I want to memorize each moment so I never forget. The first time I told her that I loved her was in the hospital the day that she was born, during the daytime. I whispered it to her and surprised myself. I wasn't really expecting it and I realized suddenly that it was true even though I barely knew her. I felt funny saying it, like "is it too soon? Will she think I'm weird?" But now I say it every day, several times, in between kisses and snuggles. I love this girl so much. Michael and I keep talking about how weird it is that we loved her so immediately and without knowing her and without her really doing anything. We basically think she's the bee's knees, and for no reason at all.

Every once in awhile, she and I catch ourselves staring at each other. I was chatting with my mom the other day and looked down to see Jane's blue eyes deeply fixed on my face, open wider than I've seen so far. And then she seemed a little abashed, like, dang you caught me. But we have staring sessions just with looking at each other, touching hands and fingers together and both sort of amazed that it's real. This week hasn't been easy or perfect, but if I could I would re-live it all again.