I am pregnant again.
Just to recap about my last pregnancy: last September I found out I was pregnant, but then I miscarried in October at 8 weeks.
I am 11 weeks along now and everything seems normal so far. My last baby never made it past being the size of a bean or a pea, and this new baby is already 2 inches long (gigantic, it seems).
Unfortunately, things haven't been very good for me emotionally. When I found out I was pregnant last September, it was like a light switched on immediately. The moment I found out, I was filled with awe and excitement and wonder, I was so aware of the baby and being pregnant and it changed my life just from seeing the plus sign show up on the test. I was a mother, I would always be a mother, and I was blissfully positive. Things that worried me before didn't matter any more, and I presumed that no matter what happened I would be fine.
This new pregnancy has been so different. The moment I found out I was pregnant a stab of fear stuck me in the gut and I felt sick. I wonder if during my first pregnancy I didn't know how awful it would be to lose it - now I know how painful that can be and I can't really open up to the joy and excitement that I felt before, even if I try. And I hate that things happened this way, because I feel like I've been robbed of that ignorant joy that some women can have during their first pregnancies - that I was going to have with my first pregnancy.
I'm glad that I've made it past the point where I lost the baby before, but still I can't quite open up and really feel happy. I used to wonder - if I get pregnant again, will that make the pain of the last one magically go away? And it didn't, sadly. Then I wondered if I would feel better once I saw a heartbeat. And maybe I did a little, but not good like I felt the first time. Then I wondered if I would feel better if this baby lived longer than the first one. And that was a good day, but I'm still worried. And I wonder - maybe when I get to my second trimester - past the point of miscarriages, will I feel better? But then some women still have stillbirths after the first trimester is over. Will I feel better when it is born? But what if something goes wrong during labor, what if I lose it then? Or what if it makes it, and then something happens in infancy? Or what if it becomes a toddler and some accident happens? And it just feels like I will be SICK for the rest of my life, worrying about this child.
Maybe it's just a slow climb this time to feel that happiness that I felt before. Maybe little by little I will feel better, less guilty, less sick, less worried.
Maybe I just had to get that wonderful, joyful rush of motherhood all in one go last time because God knew it was going to be brief.
I have to be positive. I can't go through life being afraid, because it will ruin life. I won't get to enjoy things even when they are good if I am so afraid. I never imagined that I would be the kind of person that would hold on to fear, and that it would be difficult to let it go. But I can't go on living with it. I celebrated that first baby's life, I was so excited and happy and told everyone, and I'm so glad I did while I had the chance. I feel like I haven't even given this baby a chance, haven't celebrated it, and I want to so much. I want to have hope and optimism, and believe that everything will be okay. I don't think that living in fear will prepare me any better in case something bad happens. In fact I think the optimism and hope of the first pregnancy was something that helped me through the miscarriage, if you can believe that.
I am due the first week of February 2010, and even though it will be cold outside and there will be snow on the ground, I'm going to imagine that the sun will be shining.
5 comments:
Congratulations Breanne! Looks like you are as far along as I would have been. I can totally understand your fear and trepidation with this baby, but now that you are so much further along, I hope that you will be able to celebrate! Loving this baby doesn't mean that you don't love your first one any less. I am really happy for you, and it gives me some hope for the future.
Breanne, have you ever stopped to think that your "fear" for this baby is a sign of how deeply you love this child? True, you didn't have these feelings last time because you had that "ignorant bliss" which didn't protect you from scarring after the emotional trauma of a miscarriage. This fear, I think, is your own heart trying to protect itself from being vulnerable to heartache again. I want you to remember that this fear can be your first step to truly cherishing this baby and pregnancy. True, I don't think anything I can tell you will automatically ease your fears or pains. However, if you truly have faith that God can and will see you through this, then there's no reason to fear. Pregnancies are all different, even within the same person. Miscarriages happen for all sorts of reasons, and quite often it has nothing to do with how you were treating your body during those early weeks. You don't have to have a perfect 9 months to have a perfect baby. You don't have to have perfect techniques to raise a perfectly good child. Children are resillient to our little mistakes and can be very strong individuals. God WILL see you through! Having faith just may help you to find joy! Congratulations on the pregnancy!
Your fears are well founded but they are also more normal than you might think. Especially with the first. I never really felt close to Dallin until he was born and even then it took a few days. It was different with the rest of the kids, though, since I knew what it would be like once they were born I felt more "aware" during the pregnancy. After Lilian passed away I thought I would be more fearful with Eden but I think that "awareness" I had become accustomed to helped more than I realized. Basically, the first time is the hardest because it's still all so new and different and you just don't know what to expect. Even though this isn't really the first time for you it will continue to feel new the further into it you get. Do you have "What to Expect When Expecting"? I lived with that book and referred to it almost daily since it helped alleve some of my fears of things I was feeling that were strange to me.
Way to go, Bre. You're so good at acknowledging your true feelings, however embarassing it might be; but you're also great at outwardly realizing what is most important and where you need to go from here. That's the part that so many people leave out when expressing themselves. It's okay to feel uncertain as long as those universal truths define you; not your fears.
Congratulations!! I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
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