I am pregnant again.
Just to recap about my last pregnancy: last September I found out I was pregnant, but then I miscarried in October at 8 weeks.
I am 11 weeks along now and everything seems normal so far. My last baby never made it past being the size of a bean or a pea, and this new baby is already 2 inches long (gigantic, it seems).
Unfortunately, things haven't been very good for me emotionally. When I found out I was pregnant last September, it was like a light switched on immediately. The moment I found out, I was filled with awe and excitement and wonder, I was so aware of the baby and being pregnant and it changed my life just from seeing the plus sign show up on the test. I was a mother, I would always be a mother, and I was blissfully positive. Things that worried me before didn't matter any more, and I presumed that no matter what happened I would be fine.
This new pregnancy has been so different. The moment I found out I was pregnant a stab of fear stuck me in the gut and I felt sick. I wonder if during my first pregnancy I didn't know how awful it would be to lose it - now I know how painful that can be and I can't really open up to the joy and excitement that I felt before, even if I try. And I hate that things happened this way, because I feel like I've been robbed of that ignorant joy that some women can have during their first pregnancies - that I was going to have with my first pregnancy.
I'm glad that I've made it past the point where I lost the baby before, but still I can't quite open up and really feel happy. I used to wonder - if I get pregnant again, will that make the pain of the last one magically go away? And it didn't, sadly. Then I wondered if I would feel better once I saw a heartbeat. And maybe I did a little, but not good like I felt the first time. Then I wondered if I would feel better if this baby lived longer than the first one. And that was a good day, but I'm still worried. And I wonder - maybe when I get to my second trimester - past the point of miscarriages, will I feel better? But then some women still have stillbirths after the first trimester is over. Will I feel better when it is born? But what if something goes wrong during labor, what if I lose it then? Or what if it makes it, and then something happens in infancy? Or what if it becomes a toddler and some accident happens? And it just feels like I will be SICK for the rest of my life, worrying about this child.
Maybe it's just a slow climb this time to feel that happiness that I felt before. Maybe little by little I will feel better, less guilty, less sick, less worried.
Maybe I just had to get that wonderful, joyful rush of motherhood all in one go last time because God knew it was going to be brief.
I have to be positive. I can't go through life being afraid, because it will ruin life. I won't get to enjoy things even when they are good if I am so afraid. I never imagined that I would be the kind of person that would hold on to fear, and that it would be difficult to let it go. But I can't go on living with it. I celebrated that first baby's life, I was so excited and happy and told everyone, and I'm so glad I did while I had the chance. I feel like I haven't even given this baby a chance, haven't celebrated it, and I want to so much. I want to have hope and optimism, and believe that everything will be okay. I don't think that living in fear will prepare me any better in case something bad happens. In fact I think the optimism and hope of the first pregnancy was something that helped me through the miscarriage, if you can believe that.
I am due the first week of February 2010, and even though it will be cold outside and there will be snow on the ground, I'm going to imagine that the sun will be shining.
