I would be 12 weeks along today.
I keep looking online to see what progress the baby would have made each week. I can't stop. At 10 weeks it nearly broke my heart. At 11 weeks I thought, "No. It's not supposed to be this way." But I still looked. Today I would have been 12 weeks along. But instead tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I miscarried. I hate it that a whole month separates me from my baby now instead of just weeks or days. It sounds like such a long time when I think about it objectively. But it seems like it's been half as long, and I don't really notice time passing.
I had a friend tell me the other day, "You'll be fine."
I can see what he was saying. Life goes on, I'll get pregnant again, etc. But at the same time, I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I'm certainly not the same person that I was. And it's funny that I see other people moving on with their lives, and I'm trying to move on with mine, too, but I'm not really going anywhere. I'm just holding my breath.
I wonder if other people think I should be getting over this by now, and I feel embarrassed. It's strange how much this has changed me. I didn't think that anything could have this much power over my life. A pregnancy? And only 8 weeks? Can it really be that powerful? I guess it is. I know I'll get better. But in the meantime we're just waiting for that to happen.
5 comments:
"A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, and so people imagine that a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.
But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know."
--Barbara Kingsolver Animal Dreams
I remembered this passage while reading your post. It touched me enough to remember it, and I share it with you to say, You're not alone.
Doug and I rented a basement from an elderly woman when we first moved to Salt Lake. She had lost a two year old boy--her first child. She told us the story when we lived there several dozen times. She was 92 at the time, he had been gone almost 70 years and still she missed him. It doesn't matter that it was 8 weeks, they still become a part of you.
I think people all go through things differently, and rightfully so. Yes, many other women have had miscarriages, but that in no way should minimize or invalidate what you are feeling.
When people are trying to be of comfort, we often try to tell about how others have gone through the same thing to try to tell someone in pain that they aren't alone, but it sometimes just makes them feel like they shouldn't be feeling their pain so deeply even though we never intended that. So no matter what anyone says, we are all unique people and all experience things differently.
Kylen can drop his feelings so fast and move on, but I just can't until I've worked through them. I try to be like him when I'm going through something, but I just can't...I'm me, and I can only do what works for me.
Someone said on tv the other day how having kids makes nothing as important and everything more important at the same time. Everything you do, even at this point is more important because it has more meaning and less meaning at the same time.
That was confusing, but something to think about I guess.
I DO have a blog, and I'm excited to find that you have one too! Anyway, about your discouragement, I want you to see this event as a good thing. NO, not losing the baby, but realizing that you CAN get pregnant. That you and Michael CAN conceive. There could be all sorts of reasons for a miscarriage, and there are so many things that need to line up just right for the conception to even occur. So, be grateful to know that it can happen to you guys. There are people, to no fault of their own, who cannot conceive together at all. Know that Heavenly Father has a plan for you, and that if that baby of your already received its soul, then that little body was all that it needed. You have a perfect angel in your family now. If it didn't receive its soul yet (because, honestly, we have no idea when it really happens) then it just wasn't the time yet according to the Lord. You still have a bright future. Just know that you are taken care of, and you are never alone.
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