I can't help it...

I would be 12 weeks along today.

I keep looking online to see what progress the baby would have made each week. I can't stop. At 10 weeks it nearly broke my heart. At 11 weeks I thought, "No. It's not supposed to be this way." But I still looked. Today I would have been 12 weeks along. But instead tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I miscarried. I hate it that a whole month separates me from my baby now instead of just weeks or days. It sounds like such a long time when I think about it objectively. But it seems like it's been half as long, and I don't really notice time passing.

I had a friend tell me the other day, "You'll be fine."

I can see what he was saying. Life goes on, I'll get pregnant again, etc. But at the same time, I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I'm certainly not the same person that I was. And it's funny that I see other people moving on with their lives, and I'm trying to move on with mine, too, but I'm not really going anywhere. I'm just holding my breath.

I wonder if other people think I should be getting over this by now, and I feel embarrassed. It's strange how much this has changed me. I didn't think that anything could have this much power over my life. A pregnancy? And only 8 weeks? Can it really be that powerful? I guess it is. I know I'll get better. But in the meantime we're just waiting for that to happen.

Picking Apples

About a month ago I went picking apples with some friends.
I've never done it before, but I thought it was a nice introduction to fall.

New November

That last post is so depressing, I have to add another one to push it down. I'm starting to ease myself back into normal life, though it's sort of lame to do things like normal when things feel so different now. I was at the library on Saturday and was sort of chagrined to see "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" had come in on hold for me. Actually, it looks like a cute book, just bad timing, eh?

The only physical symptom that I have left over is just feeling very tired most of the time, but otherwise my body is almost back to normal. It's very very odd. When I was pregnant, the sickness came on gradually and I didn't take it very seriously. But now that it suddenly went away, I realize how sick I actually was. (For instance, a sip of water made me incredibly nauseous, and turning on a light in the bathroom actually made me throw up once). So maybe I can make a better game plan for next time, stay away from bathrooms, that kind of thing.

Anyway, happy voting tomorrow. To quote my Dad, "You noticed, I didn't say how to vote. That would be "O" so naughty."