busy busy

Michael and I just got back from a week's vacation in southern Utah, which I'll blog about soon. But first we have to finish packing up our house for the big move on Saturday! If you were planning on coming by to help, we'll be starting at about 10:00am. Thanks!

Happy Birthday Michael!

Today is Michael's Birthday! Hurray!

I wish I could do more for his birthday, but I did manage to pick up a couple of movies that he's been talking about for the past few months, which he liked.

The baby also made time to pick up something for Daddy:


The pacifiers aren't for Michael, of course, but he will definitely be glad they are there someday.

And we're saving this for later:



MMMMMmmmmm.....

More big news

I am pregnant again.

Just to recap about my last pregnancy: last September I found out I was pregnant, but then I miscarried in October at 8 weeks.

I am 11 weeks along now and everything seems normal so far. My last baby never made it past being the size of a bean or a pea, and this new baby is already 2 inches long (gigantic, it seems).

Unfortunately, things haven't been very good for me emotionally. When I found out I was pregnant last September, it was like a light switched on immediately. The moment I found out, I was filled with awe and excitement and wonder, I was so aware of the baby and being pregnant and it changed my life just from seeing the plus sign show up on the test. I was a mother, I would always be a mother, and I was blissfully positive. Things that worried me before didn't matter any more, and I presumed that no matter what happened I would be fine.

This new pregnancy has been so different. The moment I found out I was pregnant a stab of fear stuck me in the gut and I felt sick. I wonder if during my first pregnancy I didn't know how awful it would be to lose it - now I know how painful that can be and I can't really open up to the joy and excitement that I felt before, even if I try. And I hate that things happened this way, because I feel like I've been robbed of that ignorant joy that some women can have during their first pregnancies - that I was going to have with my first pregnancy.

I'm glad that I've made it past the point where I lost the baby before, but still I can't quite open up and really feel happy. I used to wonder - if I get pregnant again, will that make the pain of the last one magically go away? And it didn't, sadly. Then I wondered if I would feel better once I saw a heartbeat. And maybe I did a little, but not good like I felt the first time. Then I wondered if I would feel better if this baby lived longer than the first one. And that was a good day, but I'm still worried. And I wonder - maybe when I get to my second trimester - past the point of miscarriages, will I feel better? But then some women still have stillbirths after the first trimester is over. Will I feel better when it is born? But what if something goes wrong during labor, what if I lose it then? Or what if it makes it, and then something happens in infancy? Or what if it becomes a toddler and some accident happens? And it just feels like I will be SICK for the rest of my life, worrying about this child.

Maybe it's just a slow climb this time to feel that happiness that I felt before. Maybe little by little I will feel better, less guilty, less sick, less worried.

Maybe I just had to get that wonderful, joyful rush of motherhood all in one go last time because God knew it was going to be brief.

I have to be positive. I can't go through life being afraid, because it will ruin life. I won't get to enjoy things even when they are good if I am so afraid. I never imagined that I would be the kind of person that would hold on to fear, and that it would be difficult to let it go. But I can't go on living with it. I celebrated that first baby's life, I was so excited and happy and told everyone, and I'm so glad I did while I had the chance. I feel like I haven't even given this baby a chance, haven't celebrated it, and I want to so much. I want to have hope and optimism, and believe that everything will be okay. I don't think that living in fear will prepare me any better in case something bad happens. In fact I think the optimism and hope of the first pregnancy was something that helped me through the miscarriage, if you can believe that.

I am due the first week of February 2010, and even though it will be cold outside and there will be snow on the ground, I'm going to imagine that the sun will be shining.

It's Ours

Everything is finalized and we are officially house owners, hurrah!

We won't be moving in right away. The sellers are renting it from us until the first week of August, and we'll be moving in around the 8th. That gives us lots of time for packing.

House in Pleasant Grove

We're "under contract" right now for the home in Pleasant Grove, so we're working through details like getting it appraised and inspected. This morning we went to the house for the inspection, and while I was there I snapped some photos. If you'd like to take a look, you can see the pictures here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/bhgilroy/TheHouse

Woops

Sorry about the drama the other day. Everything is fine. I'm glad I'm past that marker and feel sort of like I can move on a bit more now. Hope you are all doing well.

june 4 2009

Today is supposed to be my due date. I'm doing fine, though, I've only burst into tears once so far.

In other news, we've put an offer on a house in Pleasant Grove. How can we go wrong living in a place named Pleasant Grove? Nothing bad ever happens there, right?
We'll see how it goes.

Memorial Day

On Memorial Day we went to my sister's house for a family party.

The kids even broke out some water balloons for fun.

Which was pretty fun to watch, too.

In the back of this photo (above) you can see Jack trying to get Adam with a water balloon. Jack spent most of the time trying to get Adam.




Unfortunately, those water balloons were sometimes more bouncy than breaky-splashy.

Uh oh. Adam's got a water balloon now. And he's looking at Jack.

(I added that line for effect. Not that you needed it with that we've-locked-in-on-our-target glare)

Too bad Jack's balloon went slightly awry.

Now Eden's in on it.

Unfortunately, it looks like Eden's aim is about as good as Jack's. But who's this on the right? A new contender? Taking advantage of Adam's distraction??

NEW TARGET SIGHTED
Run Cameron!

Dodge attack from Dallin. Continue pursuing target.

That's cold!

Looks like Jack's got something on his mind.

I don't think he'll ever learn

My camera missed when Jack picked up the bucket of water that had been holding the water balloons and carried it over to throw on Adam. It also missed when Adam smoothly grabbed the bucket and in one motion swung it up over Jacks head and turned it upside down. But it did catch where Adam taught Jack just who he was messing with:

Get ready to get jealous

I just got home from our anniversary dinner. It was great. Before we left, I had time to actually put on makeup (rare with me), and curled my hair and put part of it up. I found my jeweled hair pins that I wore on my wedding day and put them in my hair as a special thing. They looked pretty with the curls.

We got there perfectly on time for our reservation, so I didn't have to feel stressed out at all. We were seated right next to a large fireplace in a room with veranda doors wide open at one end, letting the evening air in.

The food was amazing. We got our salads first, which were fantastic on their own. I got a "wilted" spinach salad, which is served warm, topped with tangy cheese and slices of bacon and a sweet/zesty sauce. For our entrees, we both got the rack of lamb. The menu read beneath this item "Could a million coyotes be wrong?" We don't think so, and if it's good enough for coyotes, it's good enough for us.

Of course, it was amazing. My first bite was so tender and juicy that I almost had a when-harry-met-sally moment right there in the restaurant. We ordered creme brulee for dessert, and as a surprise for our anniversary, they brought out a little tray of fruits with a sparkler/firework going nuts that lasted for a minute or so. Nice touch. It was also nice, because the tray included a chocolate covered strawberry, which they served at our reception, so that was sentimental.

After dinner we walked around the grounds for awhile. It was just before sunset. I didn't take my camera, but I had my phone which takes awful photos, but I still snapped a few as we walked around.

First thing out the door, at eye level there was a tall planter with a peacock on top! There are a lot of ducks and peacocks walking around the grounds, but it was still surprising to see one face to face!



We walked to the spots that we remembered from our wedding day. Since it was just getting dark they turned on the lights around the grounds, and it was gorgeous. (these pictures make it looks like it was practically noon, but it was nice and twilighty and things glowed).



We circled around to the big glass topiary/green house where we had our reception. We thought for sure someone would be having a wedding there tonight, since it's May and a Friday night, but it was empty and a little dark. Michael saw one of the side doors ajar and pulled me inside. They had some music playing that was piped in from the restaurant, and we danced where we danced on our wedding day, and I looked over his shoulder at the plants and glass and the chandelier moving by, and it felt like not one day had passed since our wedding there. It was the best part of the evening.


Luckily, we left the greenhouse without anyone coming and telling us to leave because we were ridiculous, and I swear we passed a girl getting proposed to on our way out. It was the kind of moment where my brain shut off and I tried to stop, like witnessing a car accident, and Michael just steadily pulled me on down the path, because he has sense and more than an ounce of decency, and knows when one shouldn't stare: all things I lacked at that moment. Anyway, we left feeling full and giddy and remembering lots of good things. I feel kind of bad, going on about how great it was, but darn it I've had a lot of crap happen lately and it's nice to post about something that doesn't involve me on a gurney.

A couple more pictures -
One of the rooms we didn't eat in, but pretty:


And check out the peacocks on the roof!
I think they like to feel tall.

Happy Anniversary

5 years, today!


We are, like, pros now. Pros at being married. I'm sure.

Tonight we're going to dinner at La Caille, which is where we had our wedding reception. We've never gone there as restaurant diners, before or after the wedding. It's expensive, so we've been saving the visit for a special occasion. I think five years is a good one. Last year for our fourth anniversary, we both worked (me until 9:00pm), and had pizza. So we're probably entitled to up the romance factor this year a bit more. I've been excited about this for weeks!


What are some other good ideas for anniversary days?